Archive for the ‘funny’ Category

nice plumps

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005

We had an amusing moment with Toby last night. I was reading a book to him called the Great Goat Chase where various farm animals try to get three naughty goats out of a turnip field. One of the animals is a cow, and the amusement came when Toby pointed at the cow’s udders, and said, “He’s [he doesn't yet have the concept of saying "she" for a girl] got plumps. Plumps on his butt”. He was very definite indeed about this, and he knew that it was specific to cows. No idea where he got the word from.

bad fruit

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

While Toby is away (he gets back this afternoon) I’ll have to rely on other children for amusing stories. So yesterday while I was at the grocery store I was choosing some lovely fresh organic veggies, standing next to the selection of pre-cut watermelons, and heard the following exchange:

Small Girl: Mommy, why are those melons sitting in ice?

Mom: Because it stops them from going bad

Small Girl: [indistinct but slightly upset sounding comment]

Mom: No it’s OK, watermelons don’t become evil.

me-owww

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

Longtime viewers (like Emma) of The Price Is Right will know that the host, Bob Barker, is an outspoken proponent of having pets sterilised to help keep the population of unwanted cats and dogs down. In fact I believe that if you want to apply for tickets you have to have used a postage stamp for a national pet sterilisation charity on your application.

I wonder how he would feel about this, where a clinic to sterilise cats (they fixed about 500 in two days) was held in a school cafeteria over the weekend. Parents, needless to say (and I assume diners also) are up in arms, with cleanup estimated to cost $5,000 to $10,000. Quote of the day from An Organizer: “It probably was not the best place to carry out that service in hindsight”

no, really

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

You may remember the bizarre story some time ago when Emma and I got new mobile phones, but were unable to keep our existing numbers. It meant that we got 763 prefixes, which is for the northern suburbs of Minneapolis (612 is the prefix for Minneapolis itself). And for some reason it means that we get tons and tons of wrong numbers, to the extent that I just don’t answer if I see a 763 number I don’t recognize appear on the screen – almost all the wrong numbers come from that area code. Maybe it’s because these people don’t know to dial a number properly or something, because living in the suburbs has melted their brains. Occasionally I’ve had incorrectly dialed faxes coming to my machine, which means that I’ve had to send faxes back to the number asking them to stop faxing me – at least caller ID means that I can do this.

Anyway, last week Emma got a call, wrong number, when a woman asked to speak to someone called Missie. Emma told her it was the wrong number, but this woman insisted that it wasn’t. Emma pointed out that no, it was in fact the wrong number and the woman reluctantly said OK and hung up. A few seconds later the same woman rang back, asked for Missie and got quite upset when she was again told that it was the wrong number. Because of course arguing about it would make Missie miraculously materialize. Emma rightly told her that unless she wanted to speak to Andrew, Emma or Toby she really honestly had the wrong number. Five minutes later I took the next call from her and assured her that she so had the wrong number. She called again and Em didn’t answer. She didn’t leave a voicemail.

see, fix

Friday, August 16th, 2002

Got a mad telemarketer yesterday evening from American Express, trying to get me to take up their credit protection facility. I told him that I wasn’t interested and he just went berserk, almost shouting at me: “I don’t understand why you don’t want this! There is no reason for not taking this!” He also told me that he would answer any of my questions, of which one was “Why aren’t you listening to me?”

So afterwards I went to the American Express website to find out their privacy policy, and got the number to call so that I could opt out of telemarketing and direct mail from them. The associate was very polite and it sounds like I’ve been taken off the list. Identify a problem, take action, get it fixed.

hair

Monday, February 25th, 2002

As an experiment I’ve been growing a goatee beard for the last couple of months. However, the moustache bit has been surprisingly uncomfortable. On Sunday morning, nursing a bit of a hangover, I took off the moustache – I’m sure you’ll agree it’s quite an improvement:

before
Before

after
After

A Man Who Pricked His

Thursday, October 4th, 2001

Tomorrow sees the awarding of the Ig Nobel Prizes. You can see a list of past winners here

zoooooooom

Friday, August 31st, 2001

Lovely – this site is fantastic. Fasten your seatbelt and put on your anorak.

Today is Friday, and we have a long weekend as Monday is Labor Day. No particular plans for the weekend apart from a meeting tonight and a housewarming on Sunday which I’m very much looking forward to. I think the weather’s going to be good, so we’ll try to go a-biking and a-picnicing. Next week’s going to be busy as I have a meeting on Tuesday for the Cathedral’s Search Committee (searching for a new Dean) then choir starts up on Wednesday, and another Search Committee meeting Thursday and possibly even Friday. Ugh. Oh, plus work too. I just had to fill out a form saying when I would be on vacation for the next six months – a grand total of almost nothing…

irony

Thursday, August 16th, 2001

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP THE SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

San Francisco: The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday.

“It was weird,” Fullmer said, “I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and stuff and he said, like, great weather, or something like that”.

“And I thought-wait a minute, it’s like, no way is it great weather.” Said Fullmer.

Fullmer soon realized that the other man’s ‘mistake’ was deliberate. “This guy was pretty cool about it,” Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, said he planned to use irony frequently in future.

“I’m using it all the time,” he said. “Like last weekend, I was like grilling steaks and I like burned them to shit and I said, ‘Great weather.’”